Dr Freud: Please to come in. Make yourself comfortable on ze couch. Now, tell me vot seems to be ze trouble? Bed-wetting? Zexual fantasies about your mother?
The Patient: No, doctor. It’s about my offshore sailing. I have this uncontrollable fear that normal, fully-crewed yachts like mine will be attacked by 60-foot carbon monsters with huge outriggers, swing keels, foils, twin rudders and million-dollar tactical computer systems.
Dr Freud: Aha! Very interesting! Ve call zis condition IMOCAphobia. Zer is no need for concern.
The Patient: Wonderful! I’ll do anything to stop the nightmares. What can I do?
Dr Freud: Ze cure is quite zimple. You must take up two-handed ocean racing. Everyvun is doing zis. Zey even are having it in ze Olympic Games.
The Patient: But for my whole life I’ve been told there’s safety in numbers at sea. That’s why the rules for offshore racing have a minimum crew number.
Dr Freud: Zey change ze rules! Now you can race whatever boat you like with just yourself and some other idiot.
The Patient: But two people can’t race a yacht offshore properly. One would need to be on the helm, and the rules have always banned using autopilot.
Dr Freud: Zey change zat rule, too! You can now race two-handed in any division you like, using ze autopilot. And best of all, zere is no handicap penalty!
The Patient: But won’t that mean normal yachts will be competing against 60-foot carbon monsters with huge outriggers, swing keels, foils, twin rudders and million-dollar tactical computer systems?
Dr Freud: Oh dear. You really do have an advanced case of IMOCAphobia. Zis vill need many sessions to overcome. In the meantime, to avoid any undue anxiety, may I suggest you try racing a Laser?
The Patient: Can I steer it myself?
Dr Freud: Best to check ze class rules. Zat is all for now. Please to pay my secretary on your vay out. Next!
