the red terror

Maranello, Italy –  Legendary luxury sports car maker and F1 team Ferrari have confirmed their agreement to form a partnership with the Luna Rossa Prada Pirelli syndicate for the next America’s Cup. 

The announcement was made today by Prada boss Patrizio Bertelli (above) at a media conference held at the headquarters of the ‘Prancing Horse’ marque in Northern Italy.

Ferrari now joins the two other dominant powers in Grand Prix motor racing, Mercedes and Red Bull, as an active technical development player in AC37. “This is a natural fit for our company and a tremendous boost for sailing at the elite level”, said Bertelli. “Luna Rossa meets Testa Rossa – it’s a perfect match”.

Team Chief of Scuderia Ferrari, Mattia Binotto, answered questions on the potential ‘crossover’ benefits between advanced Formula 1 technology and the foiling America’s Cup class monohulls.

“Clearly, we have a lot of experience in high-speed aerodynamics”, he said. “More to the point, I think Ferrari already has a big advantage over the other teams in quality.  “Think of it this way. The average showroom floor price of a Mercedes is around $65,000. Our cheapest Ferrari starts at $250,000. What does that tell you about performance?”

Most yachting analysts and experts speaking with the media after the announcement were quick to point out that the entry of the F1 ‘big three’ will have a significant impact on the whole nature of America’s Cup racing. They agreed that fresh technical input and the recent changes to the class rules will mean the boats should have no difficulty staying on their foils for 100% of the race time, no matter what the conditions.    

Head of the defending Team New Zealand syndicate, Grant Dalton, was quick to respond. “In that sense, the presence of water itself is no longer a relevant factor when deciding an appropriate venue for AC37”, he said. 

“What we’re looking for now is a large, open public space with existing infrastructure. The front-runners are St Peter’s Square outside the Vatican in Rome, Tiananmen Square in Beijing and the parking lot at Walt Disney World in Florida.  

“Early indications are encouraging. The Pope has promised his blessing, the Chinese Communist Party guarantees that nobody in the AC teams will catch Coronavirus and the only condition sought by the Disney Company is that Mickey Mouse be the skipper of the American challenger. I think we’re pretty well placed for all options.” 

– anarchist David

For the truly moronic (and you don’t know who you are, but your family does), the litigation-addicted, and those for whom English is not their Prima Lingua , this article is satire. That means ‘not true’.