make your move

Now hear this! Now hear this!

This is your Captain speaking. At ease.

It has come to my attention that some of you are a trifle confused about the series of catamaran regattas being promoted under the name of SailGP. This is entirely understandable. I am somewhat confused myself.

Fortunately, my beloved bride Tennille is in a position to assist. By happy coincidence, she was having a quiet social drink at the Cripple Creek Sailing & Croquet Club when who else but Russell Coutts and Larry Ellison dropped by to sample the club’s famous clam chowder. 

Well, it seems one thing lead to another and the two gentlemen invited Tennille to join them in their Lear Jet (#Powered By Nature) for the flight to Cadiz in Spain to watch last weekend’s round of SailGP racing. I was also invited but, regrettably, had to decline because it clashed with my duties as a senior audition judge for next season’s team of Victoria’s Secret models. We all have to make these sacrifices.

But back to the sailing. The first confusion relates to issues of nationality. Each of the SailGP boats purports to represent a nation. These are currently the USA, France, Spain, Denmark, Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Japan. 

But the Japanese boat is steered by an Australian, the Spanish boat is steered by an Englishman and the American boat is steered by another Australian. The crews come from anywhere. None of this prevents the display of national flags on the boats, or the TV commentators constantly referring to “the Americans” or “the Japanese”. 

Next, I understand that many of you were bemused to discover that the SailGP cats have suddenly now added a woman to their crews. They sit at the back of the boat and nobody seems to know what they do. 

Tennille had the opportunity to speak to a few of these fetching young ladies and tells me their presence is part of Mr Ellison’s #Race To The Future policy. It is not, as it might appear, a transparent gesture of woke tokenism. Nothing could be further from the truth! He genuinely believes in women (but they won’t be allowed to drive).

Finally, some sailing fans say they are having difficulty understanding the race management rules. 

Let me explain. Each race has a time limit of 15 minutes, yet the fastest elapsed time in the series just concluded was 12 minutes. Actually, the time limit doesn’t really mean anything at all because after it expires points are then awarded in the order that the boats rounded the previous mark. Is everyone clear on that?

In conclusion, let me say that there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that SailGP is an important and exciting addition to the international sailing program – and I wasn’t paid to say that.

That is all. Return to your posts and resume normal duties.

The Captain (and Tennille)