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WASHINGTON—Tearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential materials, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos revealed Monday that she was forced to use her own salary to purchase supplies for her yacht.
“People are under the false impression that yachts come fully stocked with all the things you’d need to create a great environment, like caterers and live cellists, but they don’t realize that I often have to pay out of my own pocket, and that gets very pricey,” said DeVos, revealing that under the current Department of Education budget, she was obliged to shell out of thousands of dollars to outfit her yacht with all-new bidets.
“It’s really tough, because I just want to make sure that everyone who steps foot onto this vessel has an enriching experience that lasts a lifetime. We’re talking about 30 or more guests at every party—it adds up quickly. Just maintaining the wine cellar accounts for nearly one-third of my salary. It’s no wonder so many yacht owners get burnt out after even a short period of time.”
Read on, courtesy of The Onion.
The First Amendment protects satire as a form of free speech and expression. The Onion uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.