There are 10 days until the XXXVth America’s Cup. TEN!
I know what you’re thinking. Yep, there’s been XXIV of these stupid things already.
Because you’re a hater. And that’s okay. There’s plenty of room for everyone atop these vast oceans of antipathy.
You couldn’t give a foiling f*** about these high-speed catamarans. And you definitely couldn’t give a rat’s mast about the privileged brats piloting them around a course set just off an island famous only for two things: shorts worn by fat Americans, and planes that go missing. Anyway, the America’s Cup is so 1995, right?
Those red socks will remain hidden at the bottom of your draw along with some stray Showgirls money and a pair of cufflinks in the shape of a marijuana leaf that your hippie aunt saw at a garage sale “and immediately thought of you”.
We’re thinking of you too, which is why we, under considerable duress, bring you The Hater’s Guide to the 35th America’s Cup.
1. Russell Coutts, CEO America’s Cup Event Authority
You’re so vain, I bet you think this column’s about you.
2. Oracle Team USA
There’s a perception out there that yachting is a sport for the mega-rich and their winter-in-St Tropez friends. But it’s just not true. Oracle Team USA owner Lawrence “Lazza” Ellison is worth only $43.6 billion. That ranking of No 7 on the 2016 Forbes’ Rich list has got to sting like tabasco in the eye.
We all prefer Bill Gates down here anyway.
3. Team New Zealand
Oh FFS, not again!
This country needs SCHOOLS and HOSPITALS (and roads, commuter rail links, cleaner rivers, pest-free forests, renewable energy and artisan cheese-makers) not a bloody America’s Cup campaign that will just end in heartbreak.
You know that Government bridging finance ($5 MILLION!) was spent on a confidential payoff for the poor bugger Blair Tuke and Peter Burling injured on that short lived but hilarious VW ad, don’t you?
And just how ‘New Zealand’ is ‘Team NZ’? They’re sponsored by a Dubai-based airline and part funded by Swiss-Italian Matteo de Nora whose family runs a fuel-cell empire. We don’t even know what a fuel cell is. De Nora’s net worth has estimated to be as low as $280m, so he carrying Larry’s bags on this one.
4. Ben Ainslie Racing
LOL, Britain are still trying to win the America’s Cup after 166 years. This time the challenge has been handed to Sir Ben Ainslie, the monarchy’s greatest sailor since the Viscount Nelson.
The four-time Olympic gold medallist is so impressed with himself he’s named the team in his own honour. How zeitgeist. How Trumpian. Not even Sir Thomas Lipton, who invented iced tea and challenged five times for the Auld Mug in increasingly useless boats named “Shamrock”, stooped to that level.
The fate of Britain’s challenge rests on the calm shoulders of The Ben, who once dived out of his craft, swam over to a TV boat, had a brief melee, dived back into the ocean before swimming back to his unmanned Finn.
5. Team Japan
Team Japan my stern. You’re just Team NZ circa 2013. You’re the cuddly plaything of Oracle skipper Jimmy Spithill. You’re… kind of hard to take seriously.
But at least Deano is back on a boat and filling those column inches with typically colourful quotes.
“We’re really happy with how we’re going – at this point there’s nothing in it amongst the top teams,” he (big stretch) said (yawn) recently.