Reports out of Rio de Janeiro indicate that the Canadian sailing team has dissolved after falling into the heavily polluted waters of Guanabara Bay.
At around 2:30pm local time on Thursday, the Canadian athletes lost control during a practice run after encountering unusually turbulent waters. Witnesses say the boat capsized and the sailing duo was thrown overboard, where pieces of their bodies immediately began to disintegrate upon contact with the putrid lagoon.
“We deeply regret the pair of Canadian sailors getting liquified,” said Brazil’s sports minister Ricardo Leyser, noting that on the plus side, neither came back to life as a radioactive monster. “We had no way of knowing that would happen, aside from all the indications that it would.”
While authorities were able to recover bits of the athletes’ uniforms – all of which were tinged with a reddish, greenish, yellowish shade of fluorescent, neon purple – they have thus far failed to identify the athletes’ remains amid the sprawling mass of garbage, human waste, and other, unrelated corpses. Despite the tragedy, however, the International Olympic Committee remains optimistic about the upcoming games.
Read the rest of this hilarious piece over at Bluerock Radio, but don’t forget that actual bodies are being pulled out of Guanabara Bay on a daily basis, and experts are now saying the Rio 2016 sailing venue is actually far more polluted than everyone thought, if that’s even possible. It doesn’t help that one of the people in charge of making sure the sewage treatment was on schedule was murdered last year…
And for the few of you who’ve been wondering why the some other online sailing publications have been hiding the truth about Rio from their readers, it’s because they’ve been bought off. Details here.
