Post of the Week

Thanks to maxmini for this beauty, with a few slight changes….

As AC34 is pretty much a forgone conclusion and Larry will still be in charge for AC35 I thought it might be beneficial to all if we brought forth into the light of day some persistent rumors we have been hearing in the waterfront bars and sea side AA meetings lately. These are a few of the AC35 protocol changes . Feel free to add those pearls you have heard as well . I will be making revisions as they become noteworthy

In no particular order:

1/ Do to his having control of the majority of land in the bay area San Francisco will be renamed , ellectriclarryland. All maps should be changed to reflect the update .

2/ All challenging teams livery will be in basic black while Oracle will remain the good guy white.

3/ Each challenging team will have at least one Ellison relative or close personal friend as a member of the after guard.

4/ As Nascar fans will make up most of the viewing audience at AC34 in a effort to clean up the waterfront and prevent any hazardous waste issue spittoons , Carbon Fiber of course, will be positioned every 100ft surrounding San Francisco Bay. Skoal will become the primary event sponsor for AC35.

4a/ The other primary hazardous waste concern will be the multitude of small pieces of carbon fiber and mylar film that will be washing ashore . When confronted with this issue a team spokesman said that the spectators could view them as ” lovely parting gifts ” and to take as much home as they could carry .

5/ There will be no BMW’s allowed within the city limits during the regatta .

6/ The Golden gate bridge will support a number of Oracle luxury suites during the regatta . The bridge will be closed for traffic . When Larry was posed the question as to how people will get from the Sausalito area to Ernieville and visa versa his response was ” they can use their helicopters “.When it was mentioned that some of the people may not own a private helicopter he responded with, ” oh ” and walked off.

7/ There will be no direct eye contact with LE .

8/ Do not speak unless spoken too and always respond with ” his lordship. ”

9/ The name Ernesto Bertelli will be stricken from all written and on line media .

10/ Anyone whose entire sailing experience is derived from the INTERNET will hereby be called Eagletarians.

11/ All INTERNET postings will be moderated by Team Oracle representatives to provide fair and equal coverage.

12/ All challenging designs must be checked by team Oracle representatives for ” safety ” concerns prior to the actual build . Oracle may at its discretion make changes to the challengers design for ” safety ” concerns . Those designs MUST be incorporated into the build .

13/ If , due to the lack of actual competition , the TV media becomes board and discontinues coverage a group of actual courtroom artists are on standby to jump in and provide some vivid four color drawings that may or may not be picked up by the local papers within days of the actual event.

14/ Under no circumstances will a larger yacht be allowed on the bay than whatever Le’s current toy is .

As for the regatta itself

1/ The number of actual races to be run will depend on how long His Lordship remains interested . When he becomes dis interested the regatta is over , Oracle is declared the winner once again and the racing stops .

2/ All challenging yachts will be equipped with a remote controlled incendiary device .

3/ There will be no passing of Oracle under any conditions . ( see rule #2 )

4/ At the outside chance of a close crossing the challenging boat must bear off and allow Oracle to pass. If LE is on board the crew of the challenging boat must , in unison repeat , ” lovely day your Lordship “. If LE is not on board the crew must respond with ” looking good guys ” and give thumbs up for at least 30 seconds to be timed by the closest team Oracle on the water referee.

5/ As there will be some complaining of the actual distance between all challenging boats and Gods chosen ones ,team Oracle,that will occur during AC 34 this time around they will try to slow down until there is only a 5 to 10 min lead. If however that five min lead is reduced further see rule #2.

6/ During the pre start , as the new owner of the Bay, His Lordship ,will be allowed to pick which side of the course he wishes to start on . The challenging crew will compliment him on his fine choice and proceed in the other direction . If at any point the challenging crews choice becomes favored they must immediately begin penalty turns until notified by the Team Oracle on the water referees that they are allowed to proceed but not to let it happen again . if it does happen , see rule #2.

Jump in the thread here. Besides the yuks, there is one interesting bit of rumor in this thread… And thanks to the Butthole Surfers for the title inspiration.