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do nothing gain nothing from it

ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.

Gilmer’s expedition, which will cover approximately 28,000 nautical miles and bring absolutely no exposure to any urgent environmental or social causes whatsoever, is expected to last roughly 90 days and draw millions of eyes around the world directly away from events of actual, crucial import.

“I hope to use my lifelong love of sailing to take part in a completely irrelevant novelty stunt that in no way benefits humanity,” Gilmer said of the non-news event that will needlessly cycle in and out of the top spot on news websites for weeks. “The goal here is to really make people think about a young, overconfident asshole on a boat rather than any pressing matters of substance that actually affect people’s lives.”

Added Gilmer, “Even if just one person reads a news article about my pointless ego trip instead of a story about the global financial crisis, then I’ve done my job.” Read on.