i am mast man!
World’s Greatest Mast Man, extraordinaire. Courtesy of Blubberboy
6′ 4" 185lb 3% body fat, Mensa Black Card holder, Jujitsu platinum belt, flamenco guitar instructor, ice carving master, polo playing, mast man – AC level eleven. I have ascended Mount Everest twice, both times I stood on a three foot step ladder, thereby making me the highest man on the planet, at that particular time. I have what’s called a seventh sense; I can tell when wind shifts are about to happen by a twinge in my elbows. Right elbow, right shift, left elbow, and well you get the idea… I will require a team Speedo, gold, no shirt please. Also, I am allergic to foul weather gear and macadamia nuts. I would recommend we have a team mascot, preferably a five toed cat. Cats can be tied to halyards and raise to the top of the rig by their tails to bring upon good luck. I have a letter from NASA that states that all tacticians need to heed my word, and disagreement will be met with my Gerber multi tool upon your nipples, comprende?
I will require two first class tickets to the Islands (all of them), and must be picked up at the airport in a beige van. I travel light, therefore, please have a wardrobe of clothing awaiting me in my hotel room, Oh, I’ll need a room, suite, poolside, roughly two thirds of the way up the highest point of the Island, overlooking the marina. A cabana woman will be required. She must be native, and be at least 250 lbs my senior. I like to smoky a little herb in the morning, a wake and bake if you will, and would appreciate at least a Q.P. for the event.
I will only hoist sails when I am in full and complete agreement that the sail in question is the correct sail to go up. I will demand that my bow-peasant cry ‘made’ for me when a sail is at full hoist. I don’t pack kites, and I rarely bathe. I will step foot on the boat as the dock lines have been freed, and will be found at the bar before the spring lines are taut. As for adult beverages, an assortment of rums would be nice; I only drink out of a halved coconut shell. I would like to have the boat blessed every morning by a local holy man. And if anyone refers to my island companion as ‘the local Whore’, I will be quite offended and demand satisfaction (from the whore, of course..) Post.
Funny, right? Now you can be so too – pick a position – owner, helmsman, tactian, bow man, trimer, whatever, and give your ‘extraordinaire’ version. The best one’s from each category get a $50 gift card from our friends at West Marine. Have at it and have fun!