so i talked to ernesto today…
Brief history of America
America is originally a place where people went to get away from people that treated them poorly. They had to sail here on boats. We would call them ships, but they weren’t. They were boats.
Then we fought the people that supposedly treated us poorly and convinced them not to come back, over a period of time. They had to sail here on boats just to fight us, just like we did. So they did. And we sailed against them from time to time, often firing guns. Evidently we fired more guns than they did because they left. We had some help. From other people who weren’t from here. We thank them.
America became a place where people were captured from far off places and forced to sail here. They were being sent to America to be treated poorly. Some of the people who lived here didn’t like that, so they fought the people that did- or the people who didn’t agree with them- something like that. The people that were originally captured were then “free”, but without a ride home. A lot of people died fighting over who was from here. It turns out we all were. They used a lot of boats to fight each other, and move stuff around.
The people who didn’t want to be here in the first place were not offered a boat to sail home on. They stayed.
Then America got really good at building stuff. We got so good at building stuff we helped other people build stuff who had to sail from here to there just to get here. Some of those people stayed too. They learned about building stuff and then taught other people how to build stuff.
In the mean time, some of the Americans built a boat. They built the boat because the people who used to treat us poorly had challenged them to a race in boats. With sails. So we built one. And sailed it there. We called it AMERICA.
All they had to do was sail faster than all the other boats that were from there. So they sailed against the same people who used to be their friends until they decided we had to go somewhere else and then did. And then we came back with this boat.
We won the race with the boat that we built and sailed there because those were the rules.
We were very happy.
We won a cup that was made of silver. Nobody remembers what the cup was named before we won it because we won it first. We called it AMERICAS CUP because that was the name of the boat that sailed across an ocean to win the cup that nobody remembers the name of. Against the people who used to be our friends, and then weren’t, and then we had to fight, and then they didn’t come back, and then we had to sail against each other to win a cup that nobody remembers the name of.
Then history continues.
Over a long time we used guns to fight a bunch of people who used to treat the people that originally came here poorly. It was getting confusing. We were from a lot of places. We fought them a lot. And we fought some of the other people from other places who were also not nice. In fact we fought pretty much all of them at one point or another, but all in the name of true friendship. We fought them so they wouldn’t fight anybody else!
In the mean time some of the people who we beat in the sailboat race wanted their cup back because they remembered what it used to be called. We did not. So they sailed their boats here and tried to beat us in races that we set up very purposely to win, and we did. Every time.
But then America was at peace. Except the people who were now from here didn’t get along with some of the people who were descendants of the people who didn’t get a ticket home (nobody did) and they fought each other. It was worse than fighting people who were not from here. It took a long time to get over that. I guess while that was going down we were actively fighting all the other people who lived in the places that we used to be from. We weren’t very friendly.
In the mean time people were still trying to win back that silly cup- or win for the first time because they were from somewhere else. We didn’t give them much of a chance. We got to set the course, have advanced consignment on rules decisions regarding design, and pretty much every home team advantage know to existing man.
Once there was this dude who made Tea who was from a place we used to fight who wanted the CUP. At some point we believe he was still pissed that we threw a bunch of TEA in the harbor because his people treated our people poorly a long time ago. We hate him. He never wins the CUP. We still drink his TEA.
Then we keep fighting all the people who we believe used to treat us poorly. But now we know they are treating other people VERY POORLY and we have to build stuff and fight. So we do. And we win.
People that aren’t from here still want the CUP. They keep trying. We keep manipulating the rules so they can’t really win. They don’t. This takes a long time.
In the mean time the people who are from here decide to treat the people who were forced to be here really poorly. They don’t like that, so they say so and fight. They are right. Turns out we have been treating a lot of people poorly ourselves. Like the people who are really from here, and anyone else who says they are not.
In fact we accuse a bunch of people who ARE from here that they are NOT from here, or at least side with the people that are not. This causes a lot of confusion. We fight the confused people.
People that are definitely not from here want the cup that nobody remembers the name of so they keep trying. We keep changing the rules and DO NOT LOOSE the CUP that we think is OURS.
But then there were some really, really good people at building stuff who weren’t from here built a boat better than ours and won the CUP that nobody remembers the name except for what we called it all those years. These people are not cool. We hate them. Not enough to fight them, after all they are likeable. I mean a lot likeable.
They are called AUSTRALIANS.
Once, they were prisoners of the very same people who made some of our people feel so bad that they left where they were from to find us by boat. These dudes got sent to a place where “bears” have fingers and thumbs and stuff. They don’t call them bears. The call them KIOALA. They are funny bears.
We were bummed. We lost the cup.
Big time bummed.
So we and all the people that are now “from” here built a boat better than the likeable people and went and won the cup back from the likeable people who so rudely stole it from us. And it was windy. And we had TV then. And that was REALLY COOL!
We got to watch us go to a place far away that was windy. AND, the people who (way) used to treat us poorly had also treated the likeable people so poorly they made THEM leave on boats and go to a far off place. They called that place OZ. It was in a movie. They had horses too, and they could build stuff. Like boats.
But they lost.
We were WAY HAPPY.
But then, they wanted it back. And so did other people. We are not sure about these “other” people. They come from places that we all at one time used to come from, but they are now wanting to challenge us in a SAILBOAT RACE where we get to set all the rules. We hate them.
Those bastards. We will beat them.
And then we did. And we did it again.
And then we didn’t. Whoops.
Some Swiss dude does instead. Whoops.
His name is Ernesto. He is a cool dude. He has a lot of money. He is young and charismatic and loves sailing. He also loves people that don’t fight. That doesn’t include us.
Ernesto is a very nice man but we don’t like him because he has the cup. In fact, we hate him.
The other guy with a lot of money is named Larry. We like Larry. He has a lot of money, and he really likes sailing. We love him. We love the stuff he builds for us. We love him because he promises he will bring the cup back.
At this point nobody here remembers where they are from but they are pretty sure it is from here, and that dude Ernesto is not. Like I said, we hate him.
The problem is the place that these people come from don’t hate anybody. Not even the people who used to treat them poorly. They don’t fight anybody and in fact help others who are tired of fighting to STOP fighting. They have been doing this for a very, very long time as a people. We are so young we have never fought them- but we would have if they were into fighting.
They don’t want to fight. They want to bring HUGE MONEY into sailing boats, and do. They create places to sail boats and encourage others to build and sail boats. They encourage people to not fight, and to not be mad at the people who they are fighting. They just keep telling people that there is no need to fight. We hate them.
These people are not to be trusted. They don’t want to fight. And they can build stuff. Like really, really, good stuff. And they want all the people who used to fight to sail boats against each other and not fight. This is NOT OK. So we get some lawyers and pick a fight. They oblige. The lawyers agree it would be better not to fight. We fight anyway.
We say we win, but we still have to sail to get the cup that nobody remembers the name of back to a place that shares the name of the boat that won the cup.
Larry has to spend a LOT of money to do so, but he does. He needs to use lawyers and words and stuff to do so. We still love him. He builds a boat that needed to be entered into a thing called a DOG MATCH to win. We as a population recently sent a prominent athlete to jail for entering into DOG MATCHES but this guy Larry seems ok, and he assures PETA that no DOGS will be used. Everyone is OK with this.
Larry wins the DOG match. It is evident that he had a bigger and badder DOG than Ernesto. Cool for Larry. Not cool for Ernesto.
Now, the place that we all live that is different from the place that we all came from except for the people who are “from here” that we still treat poorly have the cup that nobody remembers the name of.
Mission Accomplished America!