From anarchist Mabian.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 12, 2027 – Octogenarian Larry Ellison, sailing BMW Oracle Sailing Team’s "USA" (Version 23.7), today bested archrival Ernesto Bertarelli and his "Alinghi" (Version 33.9.9), in the third and final race of the much-anticipated 33rd America’s Cup, finally bringing to a close the most acrimonious sporting event of all time. Ellison’s yacht USA edged out Alinghi by .013 milliseconds, putting to rest the questions of how much torsion is too much torsion, how to properly trim a multi-hulled yacht and which is faster, a catamaran or a trimaran.
In Europe, upon hearing the news, disgruntled mobs of marauding Alinghi fans reportedly broke into BMW offices across the continent smashing windshields and setting fire to sedans and coupes alike chanting "Fuck Larry, Fuck Larry, Fuck Larry!" while in North America television footage shows Oracle fans looted Boston College and burned Harvard Business School to the ground in protest of what one fan expressed as "that fuckwit alumni Ernesto and his sock puppets’ poor sportsmanship." Meanwhile, the infamous Sailing Anarchy website, the largest such site in the sporting world and a long time critic of Bertarelli, was shut down completely after a virus attack originating from a tiny hamlet in Switzerland, according to US Government sources investigating the attack.