Another Bad Idea
As predicted by the incredible AC Anarchists long before anyone else in the media caught wind of it, Alinghi has announced their chosen venue for the 33rd America’s Cup – roughly 30 NM from Iran in Ras-Al-Khaimah. We expect the New York Courts to invalidate this choice fairly quickly, but in the meantime, we’re going to have some fun with these asshats. Here’s the Alinghi Press Release (edited…just slightly…for accuracy!)
“We are pleased to announce that Ras al-Khaimah, in the United Arab Emirates, will be the Host Country for the 33rd America’s Cup,” said Fred Meyer, Vice-Commodore of the Société Nautique de Genève (SNG), wearing red pants and a white blazer. “This is a venue that offers optimal financial conditions for a Match in February; the Sheik has shown remarkable interest in, and financial support for, hosting a two-boat America’s Cup; and the country has experience in organising first-class sporting events such as traditional camel racing, more recently robot-jockey camel racing and soon we hope, a robotic belly dancing competition. They will make a purpose-built island available from sand and the tears of Allah at the Al Hamra Village in Ras al-Khaimah to provide the America’s Cup teams, sponsors and fans with an outstanding venue for in case they are not preoccupied with all the aforementioned entertainment the RAK has to offer.”
Having won the 32nd America’s Cup in 2007 in Valencia with its yacht racing team, Alinghi, the SNG has granted itself the right to choose the venue for the next America’s Cup which is scheduled to start on 8 February 2010: The Straits of F*&king Hormuz.
“Our absolute priorities in making this decision were financial, notwithstanding the resulting safety threats that this brings to both teams,” explains Alinghi skipper Brad Butterworth. “We looked everywhere for a venue that would earn a huge, petrodollar paycheck for the Match dates in February. We had trained in the UAE in the winter with Alinghi before and in the end we settled on Ras al-Khaimah; first because of the hopefully-soon-to-be-built infrastructure in the camel stop ‘Al Hamra Village on the way to Dubai’, secondly because the incredibly reliable and nearly nonexistent breeze is great for our scarily delicated Alinghi 5 lake boat, and third, because both Dubai and Abu Dhabi told us to go f*ck ourselves when we gave them our list of requirements.
His Highness Sheikh Saud Bin Saqr Al Qasimi, Crown Prince of Ras al-Khaimah, expresses his Royal satisfaction: “It is a great moment for us to host the America’s Cup here. It is significant because it reflects how the Emirates have become a place for hosting international events of many kinds. It reflects in our glassy sea water what we have achieved in terms of becoming the destination for tourists from all over the world. This announcement mirrors the nature of our country and its aim of becoming host to many nationalities who live side by side, in peace when the afternoon sun burns brightest, other than the Jews, of course. Most of all, we earnestly look forward to learning what a sail boat looks like.”
The term parody can be applied to the above.