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Attack of the Cleans

A
group of hooligans disguised as the infamous household chemical purveyor
(and sailing personality) Mr. Clean took over downtown Rochester’s Hamlin’s
Pub last night. The "Mr. Cleans" apparently frightened local
pubgoers with their antics, clearing out the building by groping, belching,
and shrieking raucous cries of "Anarchy." "I was afraid
for my life," said Auburn Hills resident Tina Getemout. "I couldn’t
tell whether it was a male or female who was grabbing my ass, but its
head and earring were shining at me and it smelled like vodka." According
to owner’s representative Voit Hoe, "It’s going to take a week to
restock our shelves with alcohol. Regardless of the income, we definitely
do NOT want any more sailors in our establishment, especially bald ones."

Later reports indicate that the Cleans were actually a group of psychotic
sailors who had been expelled from their yacht club before taking over
Hamlin’s. One restaurant employee refused to comment, stating in a trembling
voice, "If I tell you anything, they’ll come back and touch me again."