Posts Tagged ‘Parody’
The Anarchists have decided to find the best America’s Cup limerick writer; won’t you join them? Our favorite so far comes from the mysterious ‘snaerk’, and required some…um…translation.
Coutts was a talented sailor
With an intellect big as Australia
But his confident sense
Of direction has meant
That his dreams have now arced towards failure.
Like his co-equals, Cayard is apt
To devise and contrive to have tapped
From a billionaire’s stash
The most utmost of cash
Notwithstanding, their campaign unwrapped.
From a land with a shape like a boot
Came a team with no shortage of loot
But they ran out of timing
(As I’ve run out of rhyming)
In fact, timing was not their strong suit.
One thing that’s quite certain with Dalts,
In spite of his manifest faults
His opponents have winced
‘Cause his words are not minced
But his nuts sure are done up with bolts.
September 4th, 2013 by admin
Offered without comment from the desk of Anarchist “Shipstores”. Photo from Pierre Orphanidis/Vsail.info.
Race Report – Round Robin One
Three days into the Luxury Purses Cup and the teams are neck and neck with just 2 points separating first placed Airline Land of the Long White Cloud and Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth in last place. As the teams prepare for the start of the second phase of RR1, and despite the fact that the Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth is again upside down, there is still plenty to play for.
Race One: Airline Land of the Long White Cloud Vs Handbags
Race one was the highly anticipated first-ever race in the new AC72 Deathtrap class. Despite entering from the un-favoured port end of the start box, Airline Land of the Long White Cloud were able to enter the start area and gybe onto starboard without any pressure from Handbags. From there the Southern Hemisphere team were able to control the start and hit the line at speed, much to the delight of commentators Tucker “What is a gybe again?” Thompson and Andy “port and starboard confuse me” Green.
Leg one was over in a flash as Airline Land of the Long White Cloud reached speeds of 37 knots. Tucker “What is a gybe again?” Thompson practically soiled himself as the boat lifted onto its foils, screaming for the first of 146 times “The boat is LITERALLY FLYING”. A phrase we will hear endlessly throughout this year’s sure-to-be-exciting Summer of Sailing.
From there Handbags was unable to challenge Airline Land of the Long White Cloud, who went on to dominate this first race, despite a near-catastrophic capsize that left Andy “Port and starboard confuse me” Green calling for a change of lady pants. Airline Land of the Long White Cloud crossed the finish line at speed to take the first win of the regatta.
Airline Land of the Long White Cloud CEO Grant “Grindermonky” Dalton commented in the post-race interview that the win was almost as good as “kissing your sister”.
Handbags skipper Max “I still love you Iain Murray even though I called you a cheater two days ago” Sirena has not kissed Daltons sister, so was unable to comment.
Race Two: Airline Land of the Long White Cloud Vs Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth
Race Two started in almost ideal conditions as Airline Land of the Long White Cloud once again dominated the start. With Airline Land of the Long White Cloud timing their run to the start to perfection, Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth were unable to put any pressure on the Kiwi team.
Despite the fact that Airline Land of the Long White Cloud completed foiling gybe after foiling gybe, Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth didn’t get airborne once and were unable to put any pressure on the Rugby loving team, who seemed to be in a league of their own on the race course.
After another dominant performance Airline Land of the Long White Cloud went on to extend their winning streak and take maximum points.
After the loss, Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth head Paul “stop picking on me” Cayard stated that his team was “here to race”, even though they weren’t there to race.
Race Three: Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth Vs Handbags
Airline Land of the Long White Cloud took a much deserved rest from racing on race day three as Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth and Handbags battled it out to see which of the two teams could pick up their first points for the regatta. The wind was slightly weaker than the first two races so getting onto the foils and staying there was going to be the deciding factor.
The start was a slightly one-sided affair again with Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth unable to get the hook on Handbags despite announcers believing it was imminent. Although slightly late for the start, Handbags was first to cross the line. Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth’s inability to foil meant that they were hardly even in the race.
Having lost the much-complained about engine noise from the first race, Andy “Port and starboard confuse me” Green tried adding some atmosphere to the broadcast with some heavy nasal breathing, proving to be a real hit with the viewing public.
Despite the best efforts of “commentators” Tucker “What is a gybe again?” Thompson and Andy “Port and starboard confuse me” Green, race 3 turned out to be a somewhat dull one, with less passing than one wold have expected. Handbags went on to take a decisive victory and claim the all-important point to lift them into second place.
In the post-race interview, Handbags skipper Max “I still love you Iain Murray even though I called you a cheater two days ago” Sirena said that although he was dressed like a “silver-studded condom” and felt ridiculous when he saw his reflection on the boat, he still enjoyed the race and was looking forward to taking the challenge to Airline Land of the Long White Cloud when they next meet for Race Four on Saturday.
Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth head Paul “stop picking on me” Cayard again stated that his team was “here to race”, even though they weren’t there to race.
With perfect conditions and a HUGE crowd expected for the weekend races between Airline Land of the Long White Cloud and Handbags on Saturday, and the top-of-the-table versus the bottom-of-the-table clash between Airline Land of the Long White Cloud and Hellenic Goddess of Childbirth on Sunday, there is plenty to look forward to as the Summer of Sailing continues.
July 12th, 2013 by admin