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unleash the sex panther

Winning our latest ‘creativity in advertising’ award is the author of this ad for a ’77 Contender.  From the otherwise unmemorable “World’s Best Dinghy” thread.

the beastWhen men say “this never happens”, it is generally understood (by women) to be a bold and blatant lie. But in this case, it is true. This. Never. Happens. (Okay, well it happens maybe once every 12 years or so.) Up for sale is a ready to race 1977 Bonezzi. For those who don’t know, these boats are lovingly hand crafted in the small village of Mantua, Italy, by Vito Bonezzi and to say he is a boat builder would be an injustice on par with what is unfolding at the Oscar Pistorius trial. No. Vito Bonezzi is a boat artist. Contender World Championships are consistently won by Vito’s children, of which only a few are birthed each year and they remain perpetually and unnaturally in their prime, like Lance Armstrong, the Real Housewives, and zombie lions.

But if its lineage doesn’t impress you, then understand, gentlemen, that sailing this blonde beast will be the equivalent of bathing yourself in a tub of equal parts Axe body wash and Old Spice, then donning an Armani tuxedo with bottles of Moet tucked into each arm, the keys to your Bentley jingling in one hand, and your phone ringing in the other, with the caller being George Clooney wondering despairingly why you haven’t RSVPed to his invite to his party (in your honour) on Lake Como. That’s right. You will have women coming at you with such intense and all-consuming ardour that you’ll have to beat them off with a stick (figuratively, not literally in the Chris Brown sense).

As mentioned, this panty annihilator is ready to go – with carbon sticks, two sails (regatta worthy (Wavelength) and practice (Cicada)), foils, tenting top cover, full travel covers (top and bottom), dolly, and trailer. The cheddar being requested for the keys to the city of long sweaty nights is $6500. And in case you want to know why is this sleek wooden sex panther is up for sale, it’s because the seller is a tired, tired, old man who has settled into a monogamous relationship with an International 14, and as with all relationships, it’s hoovering up all of his available cash, time, and will to live.

UNLEASH THE SEX PANTHER NOW!

 

July 1st, 2014

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